To discover what real love is – it's important to understand what it is not.
If you believe that a relationship is the key to being happy, you'll be
vulnerable to receiving unhealthy love. This is because your core belief
that the other person can 'make' you happy leaves you open to emotional
abuse, mind-games, cheating and power struggles.
How do you become open to receive good love? Well, you'll need to invest
some time in really getting to know the other person. This is probably
only possible once the chemical high of your first few months together is over.
Try not to make any big commitments during this time. Remember that the
first stage of love dissolves after about eighteen months. After that,
it's all about who you both are as human beings. If you're with the right
person, this will be as much fun as the first stage of love – only calmer!
Make a note somewhere (a journal is a good place to do this) that a person
who truly loves you will respect your boundaries. Right from the beginning.
An emotionally abusive person finds it impossible to leave you with your own
personal emotional space. Whatever your beliefs and needs are – whether
they are emotional, physical, relational or spiritual - make it clear
where your limits are.
A lover who is real does not wish to hurt or harm you in any way.
He respects who you are and will also make it clear where his limits are
so that there can no confusion or unnecessary misunderstandings. Make sure
you can talk openly and from the heart as soon as you know the relationship
is going somewhere. You should be able to be yourself since a truly loving
person will be happy to discover who you really are.
Make sure you know yourself through and through. Take personality tests
(there are loads online) and notice how you react in social situations.
Are you studious or fun-loving? A bookworm or a party animal? What do you
want out of life? Take a good look at your personality traits, career aspirations,
hobbies, attitudes, spiritual beliefs and all the things that make you who you are.
Once you are sure of who you are, you'll know what you have to give to someone else.
When you're looking for true love, remember it doesn't have an Excel spreadsheet
of all your flaws. If you love someone who is constantly criticising you, that's
toxic love. Do you feel good about your body when you make love? Or does your
partner give you signals that you're not good enough? Sex should be enhanced
by bonding, understanding and sheer delight in the other. If this isn't the case,
then it's not really love. And if, on the other hand your lovemaking has become
routine, there are plenty of ways to spice it up.
You don't have to settle for toxic love. Life is in the details and so is love.
It takes time to love someone, time, energy and compassion. True love takes time.
It goes from infatuation – through learning about the other person and into the
reality of deep, loving, passionate bonding.
Have a look at my website on recovering from toxic love: www.wolfinyourbed.com